Suicide? No.

The look of confusion isn’t for you,

It isn’t a reflection on the things you do.

The look of anger isn’t your fault,

Please take it all with a pinch of salt.

 

The look of loathing isn’t true,

I’m just trying to break through,

The walls of pain inside my head,

Wishing I was out here, with you instead.

 

My mind is at war with me,

And I wish that you could see,

That I love you even when I’m gone,

Fighting battles to carry on.

 

I wish you could see what I’m saying,

As the colours of life are slowly greying.

I wish you could see that you are to me,

The only colour left, among the debris.

 

I’m fighting a campaign against myself,

My body, my soul, my mental health.

I wish I could tell you that you’re the reason,

That I long to stay here, season through season.

 

I wish I could tell you, that you’re the one,

You’re the light, you’re the sun.

You’re the thing that allows me to say,

Suicide? No. I want to stay.

 

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10 Things People With Anxiety Worry About

People with anxiety often see the worst in situations – sometimes to such extremes that ‘normal’ people think the ideas are near impossible… however, that doesn’t stop the anxiety getting the better of the situation and making people worry about all sorts of silly things…

This article is coming from someone with severe anxiety… if we can’t laugh about it, what can we do?

  1. Being Overwhelmed

Loud noises, too many people, too much talking… all kinds of things can overwhelm an anxious mind, and it’s difficult to tell when these situations are going to arise – this means that overwhelming things can happen at any time and ruin any good mood we have. This makes us worry about being overwhelmed, as well as suffering when we actually are overwhelmed

  1. Control

Losing control of a situation can feel overwhelming and upsetting too. Losing control or understanding of a situation reminds us of how little control we have over our own minds, and everything starts to explode

  1. Saying Something Stupid

During conversations, anxious people are often very focussed on not saying the wrong thing… sometimes even to the point where we lose sight of the conversation, and accidently force ourselves to say something stupid!

  1. Decisions For Other People

Making decisions for other people has to be one of the worst things you can ask someone with anxiety to do – all the following questions run through our minds, before, during and after the decision… What do they want? What if I make the wrong decision? Will they hate me? Will I lose them? What if they shout at me? What if they never tell me they didn’t like the decision and secretly hate me forever? What if they talk about me behind my back? What if they like the decision and they ask me to decide things again? And so many more questions…

  1. Appearing Calm

Even though we’re dying inside, appearing calm is very important to people with anxiety – nobody else is freaking out, so why am I?!

  1. Hate

Whenever we don’t get an immediate reply to a text, we assume our friends hate us. Whenever someone doesn’t react the way we expect them to, we assume they hate us. Whenever there’s anything unusual in someone’s demeanour or attitude – they hate us…

  1. Passing Comments

If anyone says something in passing, or worse yet, says something passive aggressively, we automatically assume it’s aimed at us. That shady Facebook status? That was for me. That passing comment about a certain trait? That was for me too… and so on

  1. Going Out Without All The Information

Anxious people often have to analyse the information of exactly where we’re going, and who’s going to be there, before we can decide whether or not it’s worth going out. Not having this precise information can make it very difficult, and oftentimes, going out just isn’t worth the risk

  1. Unexpectedly Seeing People You Know

The worry that goes into talking to someone we weren’t expecting to see is often too much, so it’s not unusual for people with anxiety to actively avoid talking to people outside the group of people we have specifically chosen to spend time with – hey we’re having enough trouble being normal and liked here, don’t add yourself to the equation, random-old-friend!

  1. Not Going Out

Worrying about not going out is always in conflict with worrying about going out! If someone with anxiety skips one or more events, we start to wonder whether our friends or family are going to hate us for not going, or worse, forget about us

Okay, so this was just of the thousands of things people with anxiety worry about! Please check back for much more to come!

 

If Anyone Ever Tells You That You Don’t Have What It Takes…

Harrison Ford was once told that he didn’t have what it takes to become a real actor. He was told that his acting was bad, and that he would never be able to make it as a star.

He was turned down for many jobs, and when he did get jobs, they were bit parts and extras work.

He didn’t give up, and now he is one of the most famous actors in modern times. He’s been in two major franchises as a star, and many more films besides. Never let anyone tell you that you don’t have what it takes to achieve your dreams… Harrison Ford didn’t, and look where he is now!

Sweet Dreams

My tired body ached. It had been a long day of work, and I had finally decided to give up and slip into a deep sleep. My eyes were closed before my head even hit the pillow, and my body was barely covered by the blanket before I was fast asleep.

It had been like this since he’d gone away. I had to keep myself busy so I’d wouldn’t worry about him, or miss him too much. I would work myself to the point of exhaustion every single day. I couldn’t emotionally afford to do anything else – I couldn’t allow myself to stop and think about him. It had been too long.

But I would dream. Every night, I would dream about his piercing eyes. I would dream about his lips, and I would watch as the memory of his smile formed before my eyes. That smile I loved so much. I would dream of his hands holding mine, and his body heat warming me up as I slept. I would dream it so vividly, that I often woke up believing he was there. Even as I slept now, I could feel the goosebumps as he ran his fingers over the skin of my cheek. I could almost feel his strong arms embrace me, the way that they used to. Those arms that could protect me in a way that only he knew – protect me from myself, as much as from the outside world.

Tonight, I could almost feel his hot breath on my neck. I could feel his presence, much more than I had ever been able to before. The teasing was too much for me; I had to wake up. I had to force my eyes to open, though they burned with tiredness. I couldn’t move quickly enough to catch the lone tear that welled in my eye, then slipped silently down my cheek. The room was still dark – I hadn’t made it through the night.

I was convinced I was awake, but I could still feel his body heat all over me. I drowsily reached to rearrange the heavy blanket on my waist, in the hopes that I could force my body to get up and get some water or something. I touched the weight on my body, to find that it wasn’t my cosy blanket, but some tepid mass. An arm maybe? Another tear fell, as I felt convinced that my tired mind was playing tricks on me.

I forced my head to an angle that would allow me to see this arm. It was real.

Suddenly much more awake, I contorted myself quickly under this arm, to face the person it belonged to. My heart raced, though I still didn’t believe it to be true. There he was, sleeping peacefully. I had no idea how long he’d been there, or how I hadn’t noticed sooner. My body was in shock, and now tears rolled freely down my face. I reached out and touched his cheek, wanting to know that he was really there. After all this time, I had expectations of how he would feel – those expectations were shattered; this was better. His skin was warm to the touch, and his face was angelic in his resting state. He had no idea that my mind and heart were buzzing with the thought of him being back. I scrubbed the tears from my skin before cautiously pressing my lips to his forehead. I was still testing to make sure he was there.

He moved slightly under my touch. He felt real, he was home. No real thoughts formed in my mind, but it felt as though a weight had been lifted from my chest. He was home.

I knew he would be tired, but I had to wake him. I shook his arm. Slowly but surely, his eyes flitted open and met with my own. There they were – the eyes of my dreams. They widened as they saw me staring; that dreamy smile made its way to his lips, and I melted. He was finally home.

Shades of Gay

The scale of straight to gay is a varied and complex one, and the only thing that compares is a colour chart. Stick with me, this will hopefully make sense when we get to the end…

Imagine a rectangular chart, with black at the top, white all along the bottom, and the colours side-by-side, fading from black to white, as well as bleeding into each other.

There are shades so wide-ranging and uncountable that it’s almost impossible to distinguish where one colour ends and another starts.

This is one reason I’ve always loved the LGBT flag – the rainbow. It shows the diversity and of likes, dislikes and confusions of human attraction.

If the difference between being 100% straight and 100% gay were narrowed down to one simple colour, it may be easier to explain.

Let’s say green. For example, let’s have being 100% heterosexual as a deep, dark, forest green. And being 100% homosexual is a light, refreshing mint colour.

Although they are still both green, they are worlds apart in terms of shade. They are on opposite ends of the scale, with any number of shades in between.

The human race spans each and every one of those shades, and sometimes it’s hard to tell exactly which shade is which, but does it really matter? Green is the colour of life, of nature and of so much more. There’s nothing wrong with green, no matter how snot-coloured you may feel sometimes, there’s someone deeply in love with your shade out there somewhere.

Even if you’re struggling to fit in with the green people, you’re not alone. Maybe you’re just on the edge, a vibrant yellow pansexual, or you’re floating away in the deep mysterious purple of asexuality… it doesn’t matter where you are on the scale – as long as you’re breathing, you are a beautiful colour.

We don’t have to know our paint-swatch number to know roughly where we are on the scale… as long as we acknowledge our true selves and feel comfortable where we are. Just find the colour that makes you happiest.

And don’t forget, without you, there would be a lot less colour in the world 

 

If anyone ever tells you that your ideas aren’t good enough…

If anyone ever tells you that your ideas aren’t good enough…

Walt Disney was told that he “lacked imagination” and had “no good ideas”. He was told that Mickey Mouse would never become anything more than a silly little drawing.

He was told that he would never be able to make people buy into his way of thinking, or his ideas.

Walt Disney is one of the most successful entertainment names in history. His work has sparked generation after generation of incredible films, with even more incredible fans supporting it. Don’t let other people decide what a good idea is. If you think you can achieve something with your ideas… go for it!

Weird Me

‘Til I was twenty-one,

I’d never had much “fun”.

I’d never kissed a boy,

Or touched a sex toy.

 

I’d never been drunk,

Or dressed like a punk,

Or touched weed,

Just not my speed.

 

I’d never been out ‘til three,

Or done drugs “just to see”.

I’d never loved for real,

Unless you can love a meal…

 

I’d never been popular,

I’d never gotten far,

I hadn’t done so many things,

And sometimes being different stings,

 

But here I am, older now,

And still unsure how,

People survive the normal way,

But this is all I have to say,

 

I am healthy and I’m free,

To be who I want to be,

And I’ve never been anything but,

Inexperienced, late to the party, and weird me.

 

5 Ways To Easily Spot Mania

There are many ways to spot when someone is manic, but that doesn’t mean you’ll always be right. Sometimes these symptoms can be present in someone that is not manic, and sometimes people going through a manic phase can skip these tells. With bipolar, and its different forms, it is often hard to spot mania unless you really know the person well, but sometimes, these symptoms are enough to let you know…

1.       Wild Eyes

During mania (especially euphoric mania), ideas and plans can bubble up inside someone and make them really excited. Sometimes the excitement comes from seeing someone or something that peeks their interest. Either way, the wild look is often a giveaway for something bigger than usual happening in the mood/mind. Look out for shining, wide eyes that are bursting to tell you something, and then let them. If that something is a genuinely exciting, and tangible thing, that person may just be experiencing a high. However, if that person is excited about anything and everything, you very likely have a mania on your hands.

2.       Big Plans

In addition to the above point, making big, crazy plans while in mania is very common. If you’re worried about someone having mania, keep an eye on their plans, and if you see them getting grandiose or near-impossible to achieve, it’s probably a good indication of a manic episode.

3.       Inability to Stay Still

Mania often leads to an inability to stay in the same place for long. Whether it’s running around, moving back and forth, completing many tasks very quickly, or just simple fidgeting… movement that seems fast or abnormal can be a sign of mania. We’ve all had our energetic days, however, so try not to mistake functional with manic.

4.       Lack of Sleep

Another sign of someone going through mania, is a lack of sleep, but not feeling tired. During mania, the brain is going faster than normal, and can often lead to an inability to sleep. This can be very destructive, especially when it comes to dysphoric manic, or the crash of a euphoric one, because the long nights make the body and mind tired and compromised, even if it doesn’t feel or look like the case at the time.

5.       They’ll Tell You

If someone you know has had mania before, they likely know what to look for. Although they probably won’t be able to stop and think to tell you, their language and speed of speech will tell you everything you need to know. If the person is talking quickly, and rapidly changing topics, that can be a huge sign of mania. However, it can also be the case that they will be talking very quickly and completely fixated on one single topic. Either way, with practice, it is easy to tell when someone you know well is suffering through mania, because their speaking patterns will alter, and their topics of conversation should stand out as slightly unusual.

 

And there you have it, these are five very simple, but surprisingly effective ways of looking out for the signs of mania. Again, these are not fool-proof, and there may be many other signals that you’ll have to look out for, but these ones are pretty universal.

Near Miss

“Careful,” the nurse warned, “it isn’t pretty.”

It was my first time at the hospital since the operation. It was the first time I had been able to visit Tommy since he’d gone off to war. The nurse had told me everything, and as I stood by the door, I could feel my heart pounding; I was scared of what sights awaited me.

The nurse opened the door. The moment I locked eyes with Tommy, he smiled. My heart melted in an instant, and I felt a wave of relief crash over me. He was smiling. He was okay. Suddenly I looked at the empty sleeve that was once his arm.

I allowed my face to drop. “Oh my…!” I exclaimed, taking in the bloody patch that still seeped through the fabric. “That’s disgusting!” I emphasised the revulsion in my voice. “What in the hell happened to you?! What kind of dark evi-” I paused, mid-word for effect, then tilted my head to take in Tommy’s horrified look for a split second longer. “Oh wait…” I straightened my expression out slowly, feeling the glare of a shocked nurse drilling into my soul. “They, um,” I looked from Tommy to the nurse, then back, comparing faces. “They didn’t…” one last dramatic pause. “They didn’t get your face…” I sheepishly batted my eyelashes, hoping against all hope that they got that I was joking…

Tommy’s face split into a huge grin, and the nurse slapped my arm as she reluctantly began to laugh. The tension I had created had dissipated immediately, and I hoped that the awkwardness that may have surrounded the situation before was left for dust. We laughed together, before Tommy threw out his remaining arm in an invitation to hug. I smiled cheekily, and folded myself into his embrace. I nuzzled into his neck on the uninjured side, and squeezed him tight against my body.

Feeling his body heat reminded me that I could have so easily lost him… I suddenly wanted to cry against his chest, but I managed to resist the urge. He was alive. His heart was beating loud enough for me to hear it, and I couldn’t be happier. His breaths moved me, in every way possible.

The nurse chuckled, just watching us for a second. “I really thought you were serious for a moment,” she laughed.

I laughed, reluctantly leaving Tommy’s hold to sit next to him instead. “I would never say something like that and mean it.”

The nurse nodded, smiled, and walked away. Tommy chuckled. I smiled briefly, looking at him with all the love in the world. It had been a long few months for the both of us – I had been beside myself with worry for him, and when I heard the news of his injury… I’d never felt so lost. His smile fell a little as he caught my gaze and our eyes locked on each other. Neither of us was smiling now, but neither of us was sad. I knew that my mind was racing with a need to kiss and hold the man I loved, and I now know that his mind was doing a similar thing. I know this because, without losing eye contact, he pressed his hand around mine, and pulled me closer to him.

My body and mind followed his direction without a second thought, and suddenly we were one. Our lips connected in a kiss that was not so much passionate, as necessary. Each of our bodies knew that words would never be enough; our actions would speak for us. We pressed against each other, and felt what it was to be alive. We let the fear of the war drain away, and the warmth of each other overcome the suffering we had already faced. We felt the love that would keep us going through more suffering; keep us fighting, and keep us winning. We embraced the feeling that allowed us to be where we are today – happy, victorious, and in love.

Some Feelings…

Something’s upsetting me,

I’m feeling sad,

Something’s annoying me,

I’m feeling mad.

 

Someone’s leaving me,

I feel alone,

Something’s missing here,

Something unknown.

 

Somebody smiles at me,

I feel alive,

Somebody says difficult,

I feel a drive.

 

Some hearts want me,

I feel elated,

Some minds don’t get me,

I feel deflated.

 

Sometimes I’m bad,

And I feel remorse,

Sometimes I’m good,

And feel good, of course.

 

Some people hate me,

I feel slighted,

Some people love me,

Then I feel righted.

 

Some moods are bad,

Some moods are good,

Some moods I won’t share,

And some moods I should.

 

Some are for me,

Some are for you,

Some are so old,

And some are brand new.

 

Some feelings get better,

Some feelings worsen,

Some feelings never change…

That’s what makes me a person.